My mother taught me at a young age to always answer strangers' questions in a respectful manner. When I became a teenager and rebellion took over, I had to reassess this. "Fine" was no longer the answer for the Midwestern greeting of "How are you?" "How are you?" is a question. I decided if you asked me a question, you were going to get an answer, whether you liked it or not. "Fine" got discarded and profanity started making its appearance. I was "Fucking fabulous" or "Shitty". I was sick of people asking me how I was and then giving me bizarre looks when I told them.
People as a general rule ask some dumb shit. The other day I was feeding my screaming infant a bottle as I pushed her around in the shopping cart at the grocery mart. She gets a little constipated, so sometimes I lace her bottles with a teaspoon of prune juice. It makes for some foul-looking bottles, but it works and in my world, that's what counts. A timid looking little old lady approached me and asked in a very self-riteous manner if I was feeding my child coffee. The absurdity of her question and her ability to be in my business led me to answer with a straight face and no hesitation whatsoever. "Yes." She looked horrified and toodled away before I could flash my tattoos at her.
The clerk at Kohl's not long ago asked me if all six of the children who were with me were mine. I was clearly purchasing them each a pair of tennis shoes and new underwear. While they do not look like me, per se, they all look quite similar. I responded that I randomly pick up neighborhood ragamuffins and take them shopping for Nikes and underpants. She scowled at me. Like it was my fault she was a moron!
Why do people ask these things? Has the obvious become the obscure? Has the human race digressed so far into idiocracy that the apparent is clouded somehow and needs to be clarified? I say, let the stupid questions be met with stupid answers. Ask, and ye shall receive.
First time I've read your blog Moriah. Totally captivating. I love your irreverent comments to stupid people. They're very funny.
ReplyDeleteYou should have said, "No I just have these until I can sell them. You see anything you like?". But then again I am the same father that buys #4 12gauge shotshells with my lovely baby in my arm wearing my Teach Your Children To Worship Satan t-shirt and when they say "Duck season huh?" I reply "NO, these are for shooting people," turn to my baby smile and nuzzle their belly to make them laugh and say, "aren't they sweetie, yeah!"
ReplyDeleteOh! You inspire me! Today whenever a solicitor calls me on the telephone and prefaces it with, "How are you today?" I shall say (sweetly) "Oh, I am fucking wonderful. And you?"
ReplyDeletexoxo