Most folks go to church and then repent or relax or watch sports on TV. We do none of these things. We do the necessary evil when living in a household with 9 people. We shop. Grocery. Other miscellaneous. Today it was lawn furniture.
I've never had nice lawn furniture before. I had a picnic table once that I swiped from an out-of-state forest preserve. I had an old wire spool once that eventually became inhabited by a giant nest of wasps. I've had cheap plastic chairs that collapse under the weight of 200 or more pounds. Never nice lawn furniture. Today was the day.
I picked a glass topped table, not exactly the best choice with 7 kids around, but it was tempered glass, so I figured I was semi-safe. I also told them that under no circumstance were they allowed at, near, or on my table. As a consolation, they got two picnic tables, one for the bigger kids and one for the little shits. I basically threatened them with death if they came near my tables or chairs. I think they understood. I hope they understood.
As they screeched their way through Menard's (with people offering advice and stories of their own children/grandchildren left and right) I fake-whisper to my darling 3-month-old "That's why we do this shit on Sundays. The liquor store isn't open." It had to have been when the 19-year-old stockboy with no kids but a good crop of acne was listening. The poor kid damn near pissed himself laughing.
All I can say is this: condoms, kid. Use em.
No comments:
Post a Comment